Happy Birthday- Emma Elaine Wilson-February 2, 2001

It all began about 8 and a half years ago………………….I was deep in my grief over the loss of Elaine.  When I say deep, I mean DEEP.  I made grief a lifestyle.  (not getting out of bed, not eating, crying till you throw up, laying on the grass in the cemetery for hours, you know all that healthy grief stuff——NOT!  I was not a poster child for healthy grieving )

I had a journal that I wrote all my thoughts in.  I was CONSUMED with getting pregnant again, just read the journal and you will understand! (actually Bryan has been instructed to burn it if anything happens to me)  🙂   But I also was consumed with the fear of pregnancy……………knowing that it may not turn out with a healthy baby.  So that sets the stage……………

It was my birthday.  I had not missed a period yet, but couldn’t wait for that, so I drug my mom to get a test.  Bryan and my dad were CLUELESS to all of this.  We were at my mom’s house to have dinner.  I snuckinto her powder bath and took the test the SECOND we got there.  The men were watching a game, while my mom and I are locked in the bathroom.  The test immediately came back positive.  I was weeping, screaming….as was my mom.  We came out of the bathroom and were met by my dad and Bryan that thought there was an emergency or something.  All it took was one wave of that stick and all of us knew that baby Wilson #2 was on the way.  The joy lasted for about 5 minutes and then came the all consuming fear.  The next 7 months would be some of the most trying times in my life and in our marriage.  Pregnancy after a loss is a whole other drama! 

You see, my first comment to God after they took Elaine from me was “How in the world are you ever gonna make this right?”  In my ignorance I was shaking my fist at God and trying to understand how anything that hurt this bad was his “perfect plan/will for me.”  It was hard for me to not be nervous that God’s plan for this new baby may be the same plan that I had already walked.  I so desperately wanted to love on a child THIS side of heaven.  Many years later I can see His hand in my life.  I can look back and see how he forced me to cling to Him and grow in a way that wouldn’t have been possible without my loss and without a hard subsequent pregnancy.  God is good ALL the time!

I will not bore you withthe details, but my pregnancy with Emma was full of medical complications.  I had surgery at 11 weeks to put a cerclage in to prevent my cervix from dilating too early.  I was on oral meds every 4 hours at 20 weeks.  I spent 34 weeks on bed rest.  Yes 34!!!  Some of those weeks were in the hospital.  It was nuts.  Not only did I worry because my first child was stillborn, but I worried because I had legitimate medical concerns.  It truly is a miracle that she made it to 34 weeks.  Praise God!

dsc00012

 One of many days on the couch. 

 So after 34 weeks of lying around and being pumped up with drugs to stop labor, the big day came.  February 2, 2001.

The whole time during labor I refused to push.  I had them turn up the hearbeatmonitor so loud that it was like a loud drum in the room.  If I couldn’t hear it, I wouldn’t push.  I was sure that in some horrible mean twist of fate that I would lose her during the home stretch.  I really don’t think any part of me could believe that she would be alive.  I know, I know…..I had little faithat that point.  But unless you have experienced it, there is nothing more devastating that giving birthand there being complete silence.  No baby crying, no joyful crys, nothing.  Silence.  It is a deafening kind of silence….one I will never forget, and could not bear to relive again with my Emma girl.  So labor was scary.  I think it distracted me from the pain though.  God was so good and Emma was born without complications.

dsc00007-copy1

There are no words to describe this.  She came out screaming…there was no silence.  It was such a healing moment.

dsc000121 

Don’t the two of us look like babys too?  🙂

dsc00017-copy 

This picture says it all.  This was us showing her off to all our family that walked this long hard road with us.  When they walked in I just kept saying,”She’s alive!  She’s alive!”.  The look on my daddy’s face says it all too.  I cannot look at this picture without crying and praising God for the understanding he gave me that having a child truly is a gift! 

dsc04359 

Emma as a toddler.  Gorgeous!  (that was my little shirt when I was a baby-thank you Didi for being a packrat!)

dsc04639

Emma loving on baby Evelyn.

dsc04095

 Dress up.

dsc04557 

Emma and Didi-4th of July

dsc04626 

So sweet to see those baby teeth now that she is loosing them monthly!

dsc03536

 Easter Sunday 2007

dsc03290

 Getting ready for her birthday last year.  Making her cards with daddy-

dsc03344

Emma’s 7th birthday party. 

So that leads us up to this birthday.  The big “8”.

Emma, I love you so much.  I know you know that.  You are the gift from God that healed my heart.  I am forever in debt to you for saving me from my sadness and bringing me joy again.  God used you in such a mighty way in my life.  I am so proud of who you are becoming and can’t wait to see what this year holds for you.  I love you my angel baby!  Happy Birthday!  Have a crazy good time today love!  Love, Mommy

dsc01833

2 Comments

  1. Lisa Johnson

    Oh my goodness, ya’ll did look like babies!! That one of you holding Emma and the tears of joy… so sweet!!

    Reply
  2. MOM

    These thoughts and pictures touch my heart and soul.
    For the path of God that you have walked is truly a special one. Just look what blessings you have today. Thank you for letting me go along with you, for I am and was truly blessed too.
    I love you sweetie, Mom.

    Reply

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *